I can't breathe out the right side of my face
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
