it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
