Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
