I wish life had little blips of pornography
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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