i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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