I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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