I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
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