he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
