I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
