jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
