he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
