He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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