This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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