i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
