So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
