1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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