my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you mean i was at the winter classic?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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