I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
