I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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