Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
