just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
