sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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