my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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