$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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