Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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