you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
there's paper in my vomit.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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