you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
