my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
is that a dick in a sweater?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
