she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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