Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
