Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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