If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
