Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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