You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
