The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
