Please, let me fuck your mom
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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