His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
