Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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