I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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