I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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