I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
