I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You took a bar mat shot.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
