I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
