filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
