Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
