How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
