the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
