i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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