I wish I could punch you in the face.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
