my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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