no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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